Dear Baby Girl,

That's right, you are a SHE! On January 25, 2013 we had our ultrasound to find if you were a girl child or a boy child. I had felt all along that you were a girl but I wasn't 100% sure. I was thinking it could go either way and I was fine with that. I was so nervous. I really wanted to find out! We went in and she started doing the ultrasound and I thought I saw some little boy parts. I screamed out "Was that a penis?" Haha. I'm sure Karen (my midwife) thought I was crazy. But she just smiled and didn't say anything. When we found out your brother was a boy it took her forever to be certain! 3 minutes into the ultrasound she asks if we want to know what the baby is. I was shocked that she figured it out so fast! Of course we said yes and she asked us what we thought it was. "It's a boy huh?" I asked. She said, "What was your first guess?" I told her we both thought girl and she said we were right! It was a crazy moment! I couldn't believe we were going to have a daughter!!! I was so excited! I just stared at the ultrasound screen thinking, "that's my little girl!" Suddenly Greg says, "Kayla re you crying?" I really wasn't so I said "no." He then said, "I think I might!" Your Dad is so awesome! He already loves you so much and can't wait to meet his little princess! I think he was more excited to have a girl than I was! Haha! We're both thrilled and can't wait to meet you!

We're still working on a name. Today we're thinking you'll be Jenaveave Beth White. But it seriously changes by the day. We cant' decide between Olivia and Jenaveave. I like both names but Olivia is just so common right now! I don't want you to have to be Olivia W your whole schooling life! So that's the only reason I lean towards Jenaveave. We would probably call you Jena, or Evie. But like I said it's still to be decided. So right now you are Pepe. This pregnancy I've had an extremely sensitive nose, so you became Pepe. Like Pepe la Pew. :) Hopefully that doesn't become your name. Lol

Okay lets go over symptoms. I was pretty darn sick in the begining of the pregnancy. Another reason I thought you were a girl. It was pretty miserable. I never threw up but I got pretty close a couple times! I'm so glad those days are behind me! Now I'm feeling pretty good. I'm pretty tired but not too bad. I crave lots of things. Salad, pineapple, most fruit, ice cream, and I know there is more but my brain is just not thinking tonight! I eat a lot of pineapples though. Like quite a bit. I buy a huge can and just sit and eat it! It's now one of Bently's favorite snacks too! We munch on pineapple together!

Speaking of Bently! You are going to have an awesome big brother I can already tell. I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what's going on but he is always talking about "sister". That's what he calls you. Whenever he see an ultrasound picture he says "sister". He kisses my belly so he can kiss his sister! I have no idea how he'll react when you are actually here but as of right now, he loves you! :)

Let's talk about movement. Because of my previous miscarriages I was super excited to feel you move! Then I would know you were okay and not have to worry about it. The stinky part is I have an anterior placenta. That means, the placenta is between you and my outer belly. Which in turns means it's really hard to feel you. This has caused lots of worrying and crying. I really just get so scared I'm going to loose you! Which I know is crazy, but you can't tell a pregnant woman to be rational! ;) I thought I felt you a couple times in the 15th week. I kept thinking I felt you on and off but I wasn't sure! Valentines day was the first time I know I felt you! It was clearly you and not a gas bubble or something else. I was so excited! You did it a couple times. I still feel you but it's only every so often. I've felt you a couple times from the outside! Your Dad felt you move last week ON Wednesday March 16th! I mostly feel you every day and can't wait for it to be more pronounced! I can't wait for those hard kicks that are visible from the outside! :) You just keep growing and getting bigger k?

I think that's everything. I love you very much little one and think about you all the time! I can't wait to start buying pink things for you! :) July can't come fast enough!

Love,
Mom

Dear Baby,

I have been meaning to sit down and write you a letter for a long time now. I just kept putting it off and putting it off. The reason being is I feel like I'm jinxing myself somehow by writing you. I'm scared that all the happiness and joy being pregnant with you has brought into my life will be ripped from me. Because, by writing to you, it makes you a real person. Not just a plethora of symptoms, but my daughter. A tiny growing human being, whom, I'm already head over heals for. I could never fully explain in words how happy being pregnant with you has made me. How I enjoy every single moment of the time I get with you. How I take nothing for granted. How many wounds you have healed. How many fears you have already taken away. In someway I consider you my little miracle baby. Because for awhile there I didn't think we were ever going to have another child. But here I am pregnant with you, and trying to be brave for you. But it's hard. It's hard to be brave. It's hard to get too happy or too attached when I still fear loosing it all in an instant. But I'm going to try and be brave and just be excited!! :)

 

Before we got pregnant with you we had 2 miscarriages. Going through that was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do in my life. In September we had our second one. I was devastated. I couldn't believe this was happening to me...again. I cried for hours. I was so done. I was done trying. I couldn't stand the thought of getting my heart broken again. I couldn't grasp the thought of going through that much pain again. But I remembered way back in April when your Dad and I prayed on whether it was time for another child to join our family. I remembered the intense feeling of peace. The surety I felt in this being the right time. I told your Dad I was done but I would pray about it if he would as well. I remember exactly where I was when I said my prayer. I was crying and for some reason standing in the middle of the family I room. I told Heavenly Father I was done. That I couldn't do this anymore. The heart break was too much. But if he wanted me to, I would keep trying. Right then and there this extreme feeling of peace came over me and the thought entered my head, "You will get pregnant in October and the baby will be fine." I fought that feeling for days. I didn't want to keep going. But I couldn't deny the answer I received. So try again we did. I didn't have much expectations. Even though I felt like we would get pregnant in October I didnt' really believe it. After all, it took 3 months after my first miscarriage for me to get pregnant again. That one ended horribly. I gave it a half hearted effort but near the end of the month I gave up. I was sure we didn't get pregnant. And I was sure that my beautiful inspiration was nothing more than a desperate woman's thoughts.

 

The time for my period came and went. But I kept getting negative pregnancy tests. I was frustrated because with my first miscarriage my period had jumped right back to it's normal schedule. And I was much farther along with that baby then the last one. I was beyond done. I cried and just wished my period to start so I could move on. I had already made a deal with Heavenly Father that if I didn't get pregnant in October I was taking a break. I felt good about that deal and was ready to have a couple months without the stress of trying to conceive. 6 days after my period was suppose to arrive I was at my wits end. I needed an answer either way. I was already planning on making a doctors appointment. I seriously believed I had become one of those women that wanted to be pregnant so bad that there body started producing pregnancy symptoms without there actually being a pregnancy. Because I had every symptom in the book. I had been pregnant twice before and I knew what the early symptoms were. I had every. single. one. But still, negative after negative pregnancy test.

 

November the 5th arrived. Greg had just left for school. I had told myself I would wait another couple days to test. I couldn't take seeing another negative. But I had to know. I had a dollar store test and I used it. I waited for the allotted time and then gingerly looked at the test. Was that a line? It was so faint. Barley even visible. I took it into the bedroom and thrust the blinds open. Hoping seeing it in naturally light would make it clear if it was positive or not. I began to cry. I convinced myself there was a line. I saw it. I had nothing but stark white negative tests for days. This one did not look like that. I knew I needed a second opinion. I began frantically searching the house for the pregnancy test I had Gregory hide days early. I wondered why I did that. Why did I have him hide it. I wanted to run to the store but Bently was napping. I seriously considered waking him up. Finally I knew I had to call Greg. The conversation went something like this.

 

Greg: "Hello"

Kayla: "Hey can you do me a really big favor?"

Greg: "What"

Kayla: "I really need to know where you hid that pregnancy test because (que voice cracking as I start to cry) I just took a dollar one and I think it's positive."

 

It all came out in one big breath. It wasn't exactly the way I planned on telling Greg I was pregnant. But I honestly wasn't sure I was. And I didn't have many options. He told me where it was. I asked him if he wanted to stay on the phone while I took it. He said no but to call him back right away and tell him. I dipped the pregnancy test and ran to my room. Too nervous to watch it. Longest 3 minutes of my life. I don't remember exactly what I was feeling except overwhelmed. I wanted this so badly. At the same time I was terrified. Terrified of another loss. Terrified of being pregnant so soon after miscarrying. 3 minutes. This was it. The moment that could change the rest of my life. I went to the bathroom looked at the test. I burst into tears. There was a line. Not a squinter but a line that was clearly visible. I couldn't believe it. With shaking hands I called Greg and burst out, "IT'S POSITIVE!" I'm pretty sure I cried for the next 10 minutes. I was so happy. So scared. So ready. So ready for this to be my time. For another child to come to us. I was ready for this new adventure. And an adventure it has been and I'm sure, will continue to be.

 

 

Love,
Mom