Before we got pregnant with you we had 2 miscarriages. Going through that was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do in my life. In September we had our second one. I was devastated. I couldn't believe this was happening to me...again. I cried for hours. I was so done. I was done trying. I couldn't stand the thought of getting my heart broken again. I couldn't grasp the thought of going through that much pain again. But I remembered way back in April when your Dad and I prayed on whether it was time for another child to join our family. I remembered the intense feeling of peace. The surety I felt in this being the right time. I told your Dad I was done but I would pray about it if he would as well. I remember exactly where I was when I said my prayer. I was crying and for some reason standing in the middle of the family I room. I told Heavenly Father I was done. That I couldn't do this anymore. The heart break was too much. But if he wanted me to, I would keep trying. Right then and there this extreme feeling of peace came over me and the thought entered my head, "You will get pregnant in October and the baby will be fine." I fought that feeling for days. I didn't want to keep going. But I couldn't deny the answer I received. So try again we did. I didn't have much expectations. Even though I felt like we would get pregnant in October I didnt' really believe it. After all, it took 3 months after my first miscarriage for me to get pregnant again. That one ended horribly. I gave it a half hearted effort but near the end of the month I gave up. I was sure we didn't get pregnant. And I was sure that my beautiful inspiration was nothing more than a desperate woman's thoughts.
The time for my period came and went. But I kept getting negative pregnancy tests. I was frustrated because with my first miscarriage my period had jumped right back to it's normal schedule. And I was much farther along with that baby then the last one. I was beyond done. I cried and just wished my period to start so I could move on. I had already made a deal with Heavenly Father that if I didn't get pregnant in October I was taking a break. I felt good about that deal and was ready to have a couple months without the stress of trying to conceive. 6 days after my period was suppose to arrive I was at my wits end. I needed an answer either way. I was already planning on making a doctors appointment. I seriously believed I had become one of those women that wanted to be pregnant so bad that there body started producing pregnancy symptoms without there actually being a pregnancy. Because I had every symptom in the book. I had been pregnant twice before and I knew what the early symptoms were. I had every. single. one. But still, negative after negative pregnancy test.
November the 5th arrived. Greg had just left for school. I had told myself I would wait another couple days to test. I couldn't take seeing another negative. But I had to know. I had a dollar store test and I used it. I waited for the allotted time and then gingerly looked at the test. Was that a line? It was so faint. Barley even visible. I took it into the bedroom and thrust the blinds open. Hoping seeing it in naturally light would make it clear if it was positive or not. I began to cry. I convinced myself there was a line. I saw it. I had nothing but stark white negative tests for days. This one did not look like that. I knew I needed a second opinion. I began frantically searching the house for the pregnancy test I had Gregory hide days early. I wondered why I did that. Why did I have him hide it. I wanted to run to the store but Bently was napping. I seriously considered waking him up. Finally I knew I had to call Greg. The conversation went something like this.
Greg: "Hello"
Kayla: "Hey can you do me a really big favor?"
Greg: "What"
Kayla: "I really need to know where you hid that pregnancy test because (que voice cracking as I start to cry) I just took a dollar one and I think it's positive."
It all came out in one big breath. It wasn't exactly the way I planned on telling Greg I was pregnant. But I honestly wasn't sure I was. And I didn't have many options. He told me where it was. I asked him if he wanted to stay on the phone while I took it. He said no but to call him back right away and tell him. I dipped the pregnancy test and ran to my room. Too nervous to watch it. Longest 3 minutes of my life. I don't remember exactly what I was feeling except overwhelmed. I wanted this so badly. At the same time I was terrified. Terrified of another loss. Terrified of being pregnant so soon after miscarrying. 3 minutes. This was it. The moment that could change the rest of my life. I went to the bathroom looked at the test. I burst into tears. There was a line. Not a squinter but a line that was clearly visible. I couldn't believe it. With shaking hands I called Greg and burst out, "IT'S POSITIVE!" I'm pretty sure I cried for the next 10 minutes. I was so happy. So scared. So ready. So ready for this to be my time. For another child to come to us. I was ready for this new adventure. And an adventure it has been and I'm sure, will continue to be.
Love,
Mom
Mom
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