Dear Olivia,

We've had a busy couple of days! I've been working a ton of hours! This last pay check I had 14 hours of overtime! Throw in there a trip down to St. George for Dad to test for an agency and December has flown by. Thus we haven't had any time to do our usual traditions! :( I've hated it and has really made me a little grumpy. So on the 23rd we finally got around to going to temple square to see the lights. I was so excited. Bently is obsessed with the lights and so am I. I couldn't wait to go. Finally around 7:30 we loaded up in the car and headed out. We decided to go to Arctic Circle and get some food first. Little did I know nothing was going to go according to plan. Coming around a bend Dad looked out his window just as the girl in front of us slammed on her breaks. And just like that our plans for the night were over. It wasn't a huge accident but it sure did cause some damage. You only cried for a minute and then you were fine. We did end up going to Arctic Circle but by then it was too late to see lights. I was disappointed but what can you do.

Christmas Eve was pretty overwhelming for you. Really for me too! We spent the night with Dad's family and boy are they loud! All 16 something Grandchildren and boy was it loud and active. You got extremely over stimulated. You already cling to us pretty hard core and being so outside of your element just made it worse. Everyone wanted to hold you, especially since it was some of Greg's family first time meeting you. But you weren't going to have it. Whenever anyone else was holding you, you would cry and scream. I felt so bad. I knew you were tired but wouldn't sleep. We did manage two little cat naps through out the evening but that was it. You didn't play baby Jesus but we did put you in the manager for pictures. You were adorable! Though you were screaming the whole time. You were in a Mrs. Clause suit and it totally gave me flashbacks of Bently. He was in a Santa suit when he played Jesus. It was adorable!

Christmas was pretty fun. You didn't get too much based on the fact you are 5 months old and really don't need anything. I loved holding you and snuggling you all Christmas Day! I marveled at how cute you are! I couldn't believe it was your very first Christmas. I felt like the luckiest Mom in the world that's for sure! You make me so incredibly happy my beautiful little girl! You are mostly happy and your smile is cute it makes me laugh every time I see it!

Merry first Christmas my little Livvy! I cannot wait for the Christmas to come! :)

Love you more than you'll ever know!

Mom

Dear Olivia,

Last night we went and saw Christmas lights. Considering you are only 4 months old I think you liked it! You just stared up at the lights. Your little eyes filled with wonder! I loved it! We even let you sit in the front seat with us while we slowly drove through the park! You are so stinking adorable! We got out and walked around and your Mom forgot a hat for you! So I took off my scarf and wrapped it around your head. You looked pretty cute and hopefully you were warm because I was freezing! :)

I love you so much beautiful girl! I can't wait to spend your first Christmas with you!

Love,
Mom

Dear Liv,

I can't believe it's been so long since I've written you. I am so sorry baby girl. I will try and be better about writing you more often!

Liv I can't even explain how much happiness you have brought into our lives. You smile all the time and every time it just makes your Dad and I happy. There have been days where your cute smile is about the only thing that keeps me going! But things are getting easier. You are getting older #1 which means you don't eat as often. Also, you are less breakable so Bently isn't such a threat. #2 I've been working on your sleep patter and we're slowly getting there. You nap in your own bed about 90% of the time now which is amazing. You still sleep with us at night but I'm planning on working on that during my vacation in January! :)

It hit me the other day that I really have a daughter. I know that sounds weird but it's just all so surreal. I can't believe that I have a little girl! I get so excited as you get older. I can't wait to see your littler personality even more! I can't wait to watch you and Bently together! I hope you guys are best friends!

This is kind of a scatter brained letter. I'm just going to make a random list of things I think you should know or might be interesting later. :)

#1 Like I said before your adorable smile. Seriously so cute1
#2 You can now hold things and put them in your mouth and you are pro at hitting the dangling elmo and big bird from your toy.
#3 You are now big enough that I can hold you on my hip and you keep your own head up!
#4 Your hair is mostly gone but don't worry you are still so cute! I'm not going to lie though I dream of the day when I can put your hair in pigtails. To be honest I think your dad is more excited than me! ;) He thinks little girls in pigtails are the cutest! :)
#5 You still have that baby smell and I love it!
#6 You still spit up but not as much as you used to for which I am super grateful!
#7 You fit into 6 month clothing even though you are only 4 months old. I was freaking out because you didn't have any clothing and then when I realized you fit into 6 month clothes your wardrob has like tripled. One drawer is not enough for you anymore! :)
#8 You are REALLY big for you age. At your 4 month appointment you were in the 90th percentile for both height and weight. :)
#9 You sat in the shopping cart for the first time this past week! You loved it. You REALLY hate your carseat.
#10 Your first Christmas is coming up and I can hardly wait. Seriously I can't even explain how magical it's going to be. I wish you could remember it. I can hardly wait!

Love,
Mom

Dear Olivia,

So I took my days off and tried to work on the sleeping thing. The first day I tried to make it work I made sure to give you naps every 1 1/2-2 hours you napped fine. But your last nap ended at like 6. Well by the time I was able to get you in bed it was 9:30. I think you were overly tired by that point because you just screamed and screamed every time I put you down. I think if I could've gotten you in bed on time it would have worked out. I am just super frustrated because I'm working so much overtime I don't have the chance to get you on a good schedule. I just feel so lost on what to do. I don't want you to be a sleep deprived baby all your life! I guess I'll just keep trying to find a schedule that works. Wish me luck beautiful girl!

Love,
Mom

Dear Olivia,

I love you my child. You are adorable and sweet and I just love you to pieces. With that said however, you are SO demanding. You insist on being held 24/7! You cry the minute you are out of our arms. But then we pick you up and you immediately are fine. This makes it super impossible to get anything done. Then of course when you let us put you down your brother insists on sitting on you or climbing on you or putting his fingers down your throat. Maybe that's why you insist on being held all the time! ;) On top of all of this you do not sleep well. Night times you do okay. It takes a long time to get you to sleep but then you only wake up once or twice a night for which I am grateful! But you are not a good napper during the day. You take like 15 minute naps. Miraculously the other day you took a 2 hour nap! And you were sleeping in your crib! It was a miracle and I was shocked at how much I was able to get done. I love you my Livvy girl! You are worth all the hard work.
Love,
Mom

Dear Olivia,

I can't believe I didn't write you a letter the minute it happened. You have started rolling over! I think I'm in denial about how old you are. I keep thinking you are much to young to do these things but here you are! Rolling and laughing! I can't even believe it! First all you could do was roll from your stomach to your back. I was pleased with that and thought it would be a long while before you rolled from back to stomach. But you my little dear are always surprising your Mom. Like 3 days later you rolled from your back to stomach! I was amazed. You roll all the time from your back to stomach now. Actually you get stuck like that most of the time. You seem to forget that you can roll back to your back. You just arch your body and scream your head off till I finally roll you back.

Speaking of rolling... Yesterday I had you laying on the bed and I may have forgotten that you knew how to roll now. I heard the thud and immediately knew what happened. You cried so hard and I cried with you apologizing over and over again for being so stupid. Even though you are my second kid it sure as heck doesn't make me perfect! :(

I want to thank you. Tonight I came home from work for a break and you just smiled and smiled at me. I loved every second of it! Bently never has been super attached to us (your dad and I). At least not until recently. But you are. You are most happy when one of us is holding you and smile for us the most! You sure make us feel loved and important!

Love,
Mom

Dear Olivia,

Last year I took Bently up the road to Mueller Park to walk around in the leaves. It was October and everything was so beautiful. I remember having a hard day that day. I was so ready to have our next baby. But I decided to focus on just enjoying Benlty. I tried, but I'm not sure I succeeded. I never want you to doubt how wanted and loved you are. You were seriously a miracle in my life. You brought with you so much happiness and hope for your Dad and I. This year I went to the leaves again. With both of my beautiful children. I couldn't help but be truly and completely happy. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have you my Livvy girl! You are such a cutie. I am continually grateful for you!
Love,
Mom

Dear Olivia,

Yesterday you had your first trip to intacare and it was all my fault. I was trying to readjust you while nursing and I pulled on your arm. I heard a pop and you started to scream! I knew immediately what I had done and felt so bad! So off we rushed to instacare. Thank goodness they weren't busy. The took us right back and popped your elbow back into place. I hated that I had caused you to be in pain! It was awful and I had to stop myself from crying. I felt like the world's worst mother. I'm just glad my baby girl is okay now!

On a happier note yesterday marks the one year from when we found out we were having you! I took the fateful pregnancy test on 11/5/12. I am so grateful I have you baby girl! You are seriously one of the best things that has ever happened to me! You make me smile every single day. I love you more than you will ever be able to understand!

Love,
Mom

Dear Olivia,

Happy very first Halloween!! Actually, it's your first holiday ever! I think overall it wasn't bad! You looked so stinking cute in your Minnie Mouse costumer! I couldn't get over it! :) I have a million pictures to prove it! You slept for like four hours before we went trick or treating so you were awake for most of the fun. I can't wait till next year when you can participate more! I love you beautiful girl! I hope you had a good Halloween! :) 

Love,

Mom

Dear Olivia and Bently,

I hope you guys are best friends. I hope you go to each other for advice. I hope you help each other with your homework. I hope you stick up for each other when you're being picked on. I hope you play imaginary games together. I hope you stay up past your bed time giggling and talking. I hope even when you are adults you are close. I hope you want to spend time together. I hope that even when you fight you make up and become stronger because of it. I hope you share your testimony with each other.I hope you learn and grow together. I hope you have the same sense of humor and spend way too much time laughing together. I hope you realize the value of your relationship and always treat it with respect. I hope you get in trouble together and then enjoy the punishment together. I hope you protect each other.I hope you make so many wonderful incredible memories together.  I hope you always have that special bond only siblings do.
Love,
Mom

Dear Olivia,

Yesterday it finally happened! I mean I had heard you giggle twice before but they were short and I could never get you to do it again. I kept telling your Dad you were giggling but I don't know if he really believed me or not! ;) Yesterday I got you to giggle. I ran and got my phone and started recording and you just kept giggling! Bently didn't want to miss out on the action so he laid down right next to you and giggled right along. I can't even tell you how moments like that warm my heart! Being a Mom to you guys is my favorite job in the entire world! Thanks for giggling and making my day! And now Dad has video evidence you giggled! I love you so very much beautiful girl! Don't you ever ever forget that!
Love,
Mom

Dear Olivia,

Yesterday, October 11, 2013 you did something incredible. Something amazing! Something I didn't think would happen for a couple more months! You giggled! That's right I got to be home and witness your very first baby giggle! You have to understand how much I stressed about missing your very first giggle. Working 40 hours a week plus is a lot of time to miss that giggle. I had just changed your diaper and started smiling at you and making a weird noise. Low and behold you giggled! I wasn't sure though so I kept at it and it happened again! It was the most incredible little noise I've ever heard! :) I nearly cried with happiness! I got to hear it and I am so grateful for tender mercies! :) The bad thing is your Dad missed it. :( He was so sad! Then when he came home you wouldn't do it again! We got to get you to do it for your Dad! I love you beautiful happy girl! :) Thank you for making my whole week better!
Love,
Mom

Dear Olivia,

Time is slipping by too fast. Like water through my fingers. The more I try to hold on the faster it disappears. I feel like lately I've been waiting. Waiting for everything to be perfect. For our "real" life to start. The life where your Dad has a full time job. The life where I get to be home with you and your brother. The life where we are more financially stable. But with all my looking towards the future I feel like I'm missing the present. Don't get me wrong, I treasure every minute I get with my beautiful girl. I just am a little preoccupied. You are growing up so fast. Heck you're already 2 months old. Where did my tiny newborn go? It seems like 2 seconds ago I was huge and pregnant. Now I have my beautiful daughter to hold and kiss. You are my everything little girl. You're smiles help me on the hard days. Snuggling with you late at night is the best feeling in the world. I promise to start focusing on the present. To never ever take a moment for granted. Because every single moment I get with you and your brother and your dad is beautiful and precious. And it means the world to me to have these moments with you. I love you so much my heart feels like it's going to explode! :)
Love,
Mom

Dear Olivia,

I hope you always smile as much as you do now!
Love,
Mom

Dear Olivia,

You already are a daddy's girl. Part of me is jealous but mostly I am happy! :) You always give your biggest smiles to your Daddy! I know your Dad already loves you so stinking much! He is and always will be your biggest fan and support! I hope you always feel comfortable turning to your Dad whenever you need help. He is always there for you! Always. Never ever doubt that.
Love,
Mom

Dear Olivia,

Sometimes I feel weird writing letter to you as Olivia. Sure I call you Olivia every so often most of the time I call you Livvy or livia! I'm usually not one for nick names but you make a cute Livvy so we're going with it! ;) I also have gotten in the habit of calling your princess or precious. Another thing I said I wouldn't do! It's so funny because your brother mimics everything I do. The other day I caught him talking to you in a high voice saying "Hi baby girl!" "Hi princess!" It was adorable! I really do love you so incredibly much beautiful! Sorry you'll have to put up with the nicknames. I don't see myself stopping anytime soon! I love you!
Mom

Dear Olivia,

You finally did it!!!! You started taking a bottle! You were causing your Mama much stress and heart ache by refusing! You would just scream as your daddy helplessly held you and your Mama sat at work frustrated she couldn't just feed you! :( But this week things have started to improve and you have started drinking from your bottle! I am so incredibly happy! Thank you for lowering your mom's stress unit. Working full time is hard enough without worrying that my little cutie is starving! I love you so much! I never want you to be in any kind of discomfort. Even if it's temporary.

Love,
Mom

Dear Olivia,

You my daughter are stinking adorable! I love taking pictures with my cute girl! People say we look like twins! What do you think? Are you my mini me? :)

 

 

I caught you sleeping like this the other day. It sure made me smile! Thanks for always making me smile cutie! :)

 

 

 

I got out my wrap the other day when we walked to the park with your brother! I loved it! I love having you snuggled up close to me! I love times when I can just enjoy holding you! Those times don't come very often but when they do I soak them up! I give you as many kisses as you let me and smell your sweet baby smell! It's seriously heaven!

I love you Livvy girl! don't you ever forget that okay? And you can snuggle with me all you want! Even when it's not cool anymore okay? :)

Love,
Mom

Dear Olivia,

Tomorrow is a very specially and important day for you, it's your blessing day!!!! I can't wait! We have so many people coming to see you and support you. I hope you know how truly loved you are! Especially by mommy and daddy! 

I am so grateful to have your daddy. I'm so grateful he lives worthily to use his priesthood to bless not only you but our family. I pray one day you will marry someone worthy of the priesthood. There is no bigger comfort in my life than knowing I can ask you dad for a blessing whenever I need one! I love the gospel so much and I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has blessed is with so much! 

I love you Olivia. I love you so stinking much and I can't wait to see you in your beautiful white dress being held by your loving father, surrounded by worthy priesthood holders. 

Love,

Mom

Dear Olivia,

You really like bath time! It's pretty much adorable! :)

Love

Mom

Dear Olivia,

You have decided to sleep all day and now are up late at night. Okay it's only 11 but when your brother gets up around 8 it seems late to me. ;) As I sat with you on the bed I was greeted with smile after smile. I couldn't believe it! I have never seen you smile so much! I was on could nine. I was bringing out that full on baby talk and crazy woman faces to be rewarded with those smiles! I love you so much beautiful girl! Thank you for making my late nights worth it! I love being your mom! Stay happy little girl!!! :)

Love, 

Mom 

Dear Olivia,

Serially!?! You are too dang cute! Can't get enough of this smile! :) I can't wait till you smile more! I love you little girl!

Love,

Mom

Dear Olivia,

You're here!!! Okay so I'm kind of a slacker. To be honest you've been here for about 19 days now! It's crazy how fast it's going! I honestly can't believe we're so close to your one month birthday!!! Ah!!! I'm trying to soak up every minute I can with you! :) 

You are one beautiful baby! People compliment you all the time! It's probably because you have the most beautiful skin and lots of hair! Your brothers hair fell out pretty fast but I am so praying you keep your beautiful dark hair! I love it! Especially because it sticks up all over the place. Seriously it never lays flat. But I honestly don't mind because its stinking adorable!!! :) You're eyes are blue now but we'll see if they go dark. I'm thinking they will but who knows. Maybe you'll have blue eyes like your brother. 😀

You have been the best baby. I seriously can't complain about you. You sleep so much! And you hardly ever cry. I had someone ask me if you ever cry! Only when Bently picks on you or you're SUPER hungry. Other wise you are happy as can be. Speaking of Bently picking on you I want to apologize. I really so try hard to keep him away or have him be gentle but he just doesn't get it. He has recently started sticking his fingers so far into your mouth that you gag. It's awful and I try to not let him do it but he is sneaky and fast!! Ill work on it though okay?

You smile all the time. I think you are just so happy to be out of my cramped yummy. :) seriously though we catch you smiling all the time. And every time is magic! You are super adorable but that cuteness just goes up by a million when you smile. I hope you always remain a happy baby! :) 

The last thing I wanted to mention is you do this face where you pucker your lips. And you do it all the time! It is hilarious. Luckily I've caught it on camera a couple times so we'll be able to enjoy your cute little face forever!!! :) 

I love you so much miss Olivia. (By the way that's what your dad calls you! Miss Olivia :) I can't get enough of my sweet little girl! I still can't believe I have a daughter. :) 

I love you so much squeaker.

Mom

Dear Baby Girl,

Still not willing to say what you're name is 100%. I just want to see you first! But seeing you feels like it will never happen! My due date is this Thursday and to be honest it still feels like a million years away! I was so sure I was going to have you early and it royally has screwed me up. Haha. Now that it looks like you'll take your sweet time like your brother it's making me cranky. Your Dad has been so good to me in my emotional state! I am just so ready to meet my little girl! I can't believe we are here. In the home stretch! I am getting so anxious and excited! :) I hope I remember how to do all the new born stuff. I pulled out a newborn diaper the other day and couldn't believe that you will be small enough to fit in it! There is no way Bently was ever that small right? :)

My symptoms have reached the yucky stage again. The stage were there are more bad symptoms than good! But one symptom I love is being able to feel pretty much every little movement you make! I love the connection I get to have with you before you are even born! You probably won't understand till you have your own babies, (I didn't) but it's pretty much amazing! Feeling you move in my tummy is like no other feeling/experience. It makes me smile every time! My other symptoms are the yucky ones. I am extremely swollen! Like a lot. Like I've been wearing just socks to work now for 2 weeks because my feet won't fit in my work shoes! Good thing I sit at a desk all day! ;)  I also just feel yucky all the time. I've been feeling really sick to my stomach which is not fun. I thought I was over that after the first trimester! The last symptom is braxton hicks. I never had one with Bently but with you I have them all the time! Multiple times a day. Sometimes multiple times an hour. I hate them so much not because they're uncomfortable (though they are) but because they get my hopes up. Every time I start to think, "maybe this is it!" I let myself get all excited and then nothing. Then I feel stupid and extra sad when I don't get to meet you! :( I need to stop doing that to myself. I told your Dad we'll probably have you on the side of the road because when the actual time comes, I won't believe it! ;)

You are so loved little one. I can't even tell you how much your Dad and I look forward to meeting you! How much we talk about you! I love you so much! Please don't make me wait too much longer to meet you k? I would love it if you came before Thursday! ;) But whenever you decide to come I will be patiently waiting!

Love,
Mom

Dear Baby Girl,

Yup. I got cold feet about the name Kaitlyn so now we're back to square one. Haha. I am so lucky that you have the best daddy in the world and he is super patient with your Mommy. To be honest I'm leaning more towards Olivia. We want to name you Olivia after Greg's grandma. She is amazing! NO joke! Seriously she is pretty much my most favorite person in the entire world! I love her like she is my own grandma and claim her to be mine. I hate it that she's technically Greg's grandma and not mine. :( I guess it'll be a surprise for everyone when we announce your name eh?

You this past week are making yourself very known! You're kicks and movements are so strong now! It's fun watching my whole stomach shift and change shape. I think you are getting a little crammed in there. :) Feeling you move is the best part of pregnancy! I love every kick and roll I get to feel! There is nothing like it. I already love you so much! :)

Today I am 32 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Only 54 days till I get to meet your cute face. It doesn't seem real that it is SO close! I am so excited and kind of freaking out. Working full time makes it really hard to get things ready for you! We have your clothing washed and your crib set up so we're pretty much ready right? I just want everything to be perfect. It's quite possible I'm going through the nesting phase because I want to deep clean every inch of the house! ;)

Let's talk about all the not so fun symptoms I've been having. Haha. I don't remember being this big or miserable with Bently. Litterally, when I try to roll over in bed I remind myself of watching whales roll in the water. It takes so much effort. Also I recently have been having a hard time breathing. I don't know if you are squishing my lungs or what but I seriously can't catch my breath. Mostly I just feel huge and heavy. Moving is exhausting. I can't walk for long periods of time without feeling like I need a 3 hour nap. It is really rough! I don't tell you these things to make you feel bad. It's not your fault and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat to have you! I tell you so that you can appreciate what I've gone through to get you here! :)

I love you so much little girl! Your Dad and I are so excited for you to join our family! You were loved and prayed for before we even knew we were pregnant with you. We can't wait to meet you in under 2 months!

Love,
Your Mama

Dear Baby,

Yup. I got cold feet about the name Kaitlyn so now we're back to square one. Haha. I am so lucky that you have the best daddy in the world and he is super patient with your Mommy. To be honest I'm leaning more towards Olivia. We want to name you Olivia after Greg's grandma. She is amazing! NO joke! Seriously she is pretty much my most favorite person in the entire world! I love her like she is my own grandma and claim her to be mine. I hate it that she's technically Greg's grandma and not mine. :( I guess it'll be a surprise for everyone when we announce your name eh?

You this past week are making yourself very known! You're kicks and movements are so strong now! It's fun watching my whole stomach shift and change shape. I think you are getting a little crammed in there. :) Feeling you move is the best part of pregnancy! I love every kick and roll I get to feel! There is nothing like it. I already love you so much! :)

Today I am 32 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Only 54 days till I get to meet your cute face. It doesn't seem real that it is SO close! I am so excited and kind of freaking out. Working full time makes it really hard to get things ready for you! We have your clothing washed and your crib set up so we're pretty much ready right? I just want everything to be perfect. It's quite possible I'm going through the nesting phase because I want to deep clean every inch of the house! ;)

Let's talk about all the not so fun symptoms I've been having. Haha. I don't remember being this big or miserable with Bently. Litterally, when I try to roll over in bed I remind myself of watching whales roll in the water. It takes so much effort. Also I recently have been having a hard time breathing. I don't know if you are squishing my lungs or what but I seriously can't catch my breath. Mostly I just feel huge and heavy. Moving is exhausting. I can't walk for long periods of time without feeling like I need a 3 hour nap. It is really rough! I don't tell you these things to make you feel bad. It's not your fault and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat to have you! I tell you so that you can appreciate what I've gone through to get you here! :)

I love you so much little girl! Your Dad and I are so excited for you to join our family! You were loved and prayed for before we even knew we were pregnant with you. We can't wait to meet you in under 2 months!

Love,
Your Mama

Dear Kaitlyn,

That's right, I think we finally have a name for you. Kaitlyn. As of right now you are Kaitlyn. I know random right? Not even either name we were considering. But as of now you are kaity or katy or however you choose to spell it!!! It still doesn't seem real that you are a girl! I have a drawer full of pink things thanks to your great grandma Stetson and I still can't wrap my head around the fact that you are a girl! I'm so excited, don't get me wrong, I just am in denial! I am going to have a princess. :)

You have finally started to move a lot more! At least more that I can feel! It's so exciting and I love it! You are a tease though! You'll be moving and then as soon as daddy or I put our hands on my stomach you stop. Nothing! Haha! You keep us on our toes!

Today I was thinking about how lucky I am to have you growing healthy inside of me! After suffering the 2 miscarriages I didn't think I was ever going to be able to have another little one. I am so incredibly grateful for the chance to be your mom. For the chance I have to carry another baby! I am the luckiest girl in the world! Only 85 more days till your due date! AHH!!!

Love,
Mom

Dear Baby Girl,

That's right, you are a SHE! On January 25, 2013 we had our ultrasound to find if you were a girl child or a boy child. I had felt all along that you were a girl but I wasn't 100% sure. I was thinking it could go either way and I was fine with that. I was so nervous. I really wanted to find out! We went in and she started doing the ultrasound and I thought I saw some little boy parts. I screamed out "Was that a penis?" Haha. I'm sure Karen (my midwife) thought I was crazy. But she just smiled and didn't say anything. When we found out your brother was a boy it took her forever to be certain! 3 minutes into the ultrasound she asks if we want to know what the baby is. I was shocked that she figured it out so fast! Of course we said yes and she asked us what we thought it was. "It's a boy huh?" I asked. She said, "What was your first guess?" I told her we both thought girl and she said we were right! It was a crazy moment! I couldn't believe we were going to have a daughter!!! I was so excited! I just stared at the ultrasound screen thinking, "that's my little girl!" Suddenly Greg says, "Kayla re you crying?" I really wasn't so I said "no." He then said, "I think I might!" Your Dad is so awesome! He already loves you so much and can't wait to meet his little princess! I think he was more excited to have a girl than I was! Haha! We're both thrilled and can't wait to meet you!

We're still working on a name. Today we're thinking you'll be Jenaveave Beth White. But it seriously changes by the day. We cant' decide between Olivia and Jenaveave. I like both names but Olivia is just so common right now! I don't want you to have to be Olivia W your whole schooling life! So that's the only reason I lean towards Jenaveave. We would probably call you Jena, or Evie. But like I said it's still to be decided. So right now you are Pepe. This pregnancy I've had an extremely sensitive nose, so you became Pepe. Like Pepe la Pew. :) Hopefully that doesn't become your name. Lol

Okay lets go over symptoms. I was pretty darn sick in the begining of the pregnancy. Another reason I thought you were a girl. It was pretty miserable. I never threw up but I got pretty close a couple times! I'm so glad those days are behind me! Now I'm feeling pretty good. I'm pretty tired but not too bad. I crave lots of things. Salad, pineapple, most fruit, ice cream, and I know there is more but my brain is just not thinking tonight! I eat a lot of pineapples though. Like quite a bit. I buy a huge can and just sit and eat it! It's now one of Bently's favorite snacks too! We munch on pineapple together!

Speaking of Bently! You are going to have an awesome big brother I can already tell. I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what's going on but he is always talking about "sister". That's what he calls you. Whenever he see an ultrasound picture he says "sister". He kisses my belly so he can kiss his sister! I have no idea how he'll react when you are actually here but as of right now, he loves you! :)

Let's talk about movement. Because of my previous miscarriages I was super excited to feel you move! Then I would know you were okay and not have to worry about it. The stinky part is I have an anterior placenta. That means, the placenta is between you and my outer belly. Which in turns means it's really hard to feel you. This has caused lots of worrying and crying. I really just get so scared I'm going to loose you! Which I know is crazy, but you can't tell a pregnant woman to be rational! ;) I thought I felt you a couple times in the 15th week. I kept thinking I felt you on and off but I wasn't sure! Valentines day was the first time I know I felt you! It was clearly you and not a gas bubble or something else. I was so excited! You did it a couple times. I still feel you but it's only every so often. I've felt you a couple times from the outside! Your Dad felt you move last week ON Wednesday March 16th! I mostly feel you every day and can't wait for it to be more pronounced! I can't wait for those hard kicks that are visible from the outside! :) You just keep growing and getting bigger k?

I think that's everything. I love you very much little one and think about you all the time! I can't wait to start buying pink things for you! :) July can't come fast enough!

Love,
Mom

Dear Baby,

I have been meaning to sit down and write you a letter for a long time now. I just kept putting it off and putting it off. The reason being is I feel like I'm jinxing myself somehow by writing you. I'm scared that all the happiness and joy being pregnant with you has brought into my life will be ripped from me. Because, by writing to you, it makes you a real person. Not just a plethora of symptoms, but my daughter. A tiny growing human being, whom, I'm already head over heals for. I could never fully explain in words how happy being pregnant with you has made me. How I enjoy every single moment of the time I get with you. How I take nothing for granted. How many wounds you have healed. How many fears you have already taken away. In someway I consider you my little miracle baby. Because for awhile there I didn't think we were ever going to have another child. But here I am pregnant with you, and trying to be brave for you. But it's hard. It's hard to be brave. It's hard to get too happy or too attached when I still fear loosing it all in an instant. But I'm going to try and be brave and just be excited!! :)

 

Before we got pregnant with you we had 2 miscarriages. Going through that was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do in my life. In September we had our second one. I was devastated. I couldn't believe this was happening to me...again. I cried for hours. I was so done. I was done trying. I couldn't stand the thought of getting my heart broken again. I couldn't grasp the thought of going through that much pain again. But I remembered way back in April when your Dad and I prayed on whether it was time for another child to join our family. I remembered the intense feeling of peace. The surety I felt in this being the right time. I told your Dad I was done but I would pray about it if he would as well. I remember exactly where I was when I said my prayer. I was crying and for some reason standing in the middle of the family I room. I told Heavenly Father I was done. That I couldn't do this anymore. The heart break was too much. But if he wanted me to, I would keep trying. Right then and there this extreme feeling of peace came over me and the thought entered my head, "You will get pregnant in October and the baby will be fine." I fought that feeling for days. I didn't want to keep going. But I couldn't deny the answer I received. So try again we did. I didn't have much expectations. Even though I felt like we would get pregnant in October I didnt' really believe it. After all, it took 3 months after my first miscarriage for me to get pregnant again. That one ended horribly. I gave it a half hearted effort but near the end of the month I gave up. I was sure we didn't get pregnant. And I was sure that my beautiful inspiration was nothing more than a desperate woman's thoughts.

 

The time for my period came and went. But I kept getting negative pregnancy tests. I was frustrated because with my first miscarriage my period had jumped right back to it's normal schedule. And I was much farther along with that baby then the last one. I was beyond done. I cried and just wished my period to start so I could move on. I had already made a deal with Heavenly Father that if I didn't get pregnant in October I was taking a break. I felt good about that deal and was ready to have a couple months without the stress of trying to conceive. 6 days after my period was suppose to arrive I was at my wits end. I needed an answer either way. I was already planning on making a doctors appointment. I seriously believed I had become one of those women that wanted to be pregnant so bad that there body started producing pregnancy symptoms without there actually being a pregnancy. Because I had every symptom in the book. I had been pregnant twice before and I knew what the early symptoms were. I had every. single. one. But still, negative after negative pregnancy test.

 

November the 5th arrived. Greg had just left for school. I had told myself I would wait another couple days to test. I couldn't take seeing another negative. But I had to know. I had a dollar store test and I used it. I waited for the allotted time and then gingerly looked at the test. Was that a line? It was so faint. Barley even visible. I took it into the bedroom and thrust the blinds open. Hoping seeing it in naturally light would make it clear if it was positive or not. I began to cry. I convinced myself there was a line. I saw it. I had nothing but stark white negative tests for days. This one did not look like that. I knew I needed a second opinion. I began frantically searching the house for the pregnancy test I had Gregory hide days early. I wondered why I did that. Why did I have him hide it. I wanted to run to the store but Bently was napping. I seriously considered waking him up. Finally I knew I had to call Greg. The conversation went something like this.

 

Greg: "Hello"

Kayla: "Hey can you do me a really big favor?"

Greg: "What"

Kayla: "I really need to know where you hid that pregnancy test because (que voice cracking as I start to cry) I just took a dollar one and I think it's positive."

 

It all came out in one big breath. It wasn't exactly the way I planned on telling Greg I was pregnant. But I honestly wasn't sure I was. And I didn't have many options. He told me where it was. I asked him if he wanted to stay on the phone while I took it. He said no but to call him back right away and tell him. I dipped the pregnancy test and ran to my room. Too nervous to watch it. Longest 3 minutes of my life. I don't remember exactly what I was feeling except overwhelmed. I wanted this so badly. At the same time I was terrified. Terrified of another loss. Terrified of being pregnant so soon after miscarrying. 3 minutes. This was it. The moment that could change the rest of my life. I went to the bathroom looked at the test. I burst into tears. There was a line. Not a squinter but a line that was clearly visible. I couldn't believe it. With shaking hands I called Greg and burst out, "IT'S POSITIVE!" I'm pretty sure I cried for the next 10 minutes. I was so happy. So scared. So ready. So ready for this to be my time. For another child to come to us. I was ready for this new adventure. And an adventure it has been and I'm sure, will continue to be.

 

 

Love,
Mom